Rest in Peace Audrey Palm Riker Vizzard

Four years ago, Mass Confusion: Why I Rejected The Church For So Long And What Changed, was published, a book about my forty year journey away from, and back to, the Catholic Church. But when people read the book, the question I hear most often is,

"How is your mom?"

This is because I was working on the book in 2020, when my mom was in not just hospice but also a COVID quarantine with me. She wasn't expected to survive, but she lived another five years. When she died this spring on Holy Saturday at age 96, she got the last word again at her funeral in the form of an Ethical Will, a life testament she had written eighteen years before. I read her testament aloud as her eulogy, word for word, whereupon "How's your mom?" became, "Can I get a copy of that?"

I'm using this blog to give her the final say one more time: Audrey Palm Riker Vizzard's one-of-a-kind account where love of life can take a teacher, and what her life continues to teach.

The Testament of Audrey Palm Riker Vizzard

I want to explain what my life was about. I get the last word, I cannot resist passing on some reflections. The first half of my life was focused on Wanting and Getting. I was extraordinarily fortunate. Love came lavishly, first from welcoming, devoted parents, from family, friends, two exemplary husbands and from my dear children—both those I gave birth to and those I inherited.

         Reading was my constant joy. However school was something to be endured while my mind was elsewhere, often in the lives of the characters in the books I read. While my childhood peers ran and swam, reading introduced me to experience parallel lives, to become acquainted with romance and betrayal, to absorb the lessons of history and explore the world, and to learn in spite of myself.

         In late adolescence I decided to grow up and encounter the real world, a process still underway as I write this. Not until college did I begin to comprehend the joys of scholarship and the rewards of learning. Once tasted, I could never get full enough.

         Professions and accomplishments arrived in due time. When they were sought through hard work and gained with integrity, they thrilled me. Yet now, as the end of my time draws near, I find that scholarly degrees, books written, honors bestowed, are of such ephemeral value that they seem unworthy of inclusion in this testament.

         In the last half of my life my focus began to shift from Wanting and Getting to Being and Doing. I came to understand that I was here to learn, not just for my own pleasure, but also to teach, to serve, and to give back. I was to strive to become a person of faith and action, and I would be judged not on what I said, but what I did. Perhaps you can understand why I so often felt so uneasy.

         I continued to puzzle over the perversity in human nature and my own in particular. For example, faith came to be because I entreated God repeatedly. And when it was bestowed and I was told to live it, I protested, “How embarrassing!” In my quest for spiritual enlightenment, I was led to the guidelines provided in the New Testament. “So much effort,” I sighed. I asked to be made sensitive to the suffering of others and learned that I must take action to relieve it. “So much time, so much money,” I whined. Wisdom came when I prayed repeatedly, “Show me the way; give me the strength.” Then, when the path opened, I grumbled, “Yes, but I didn’t mean that way.”

         By now you must know not to confuse my aspirations with my accomplishments. In my quest for self-improvement I failed as often as I succeeded. I struggled and stumbled toward becoming the woman I wanted to be. Truthfully, I never did get it all right. But, then, I wasn’t promised perfection, only help in perseverance. My consolation was the dawning awarement that growing up is not an event but a lifelong process.

         In my journey, I had the help of many mentors and models, in particular two wise, patient and loving husbands. I took delight in the friendship of women: my beloved sister, daughters, granddaughters and friends with whom I shared trust and laughter, moments of triumph, hours of grieving. My bonus family was a late life gift. I am grateful for the affection and acceptance of so many good people.

         To my children Gregory and Susan: you taught me what it means to love without reservations, and that love is the greatest of all endowments. No other asset multiplies so rapidly, benefits so many, and returns such dazzling dividends. Your father and mother loved you deeply, if not always well.  Spouses and parents yourselves, I ask you to accept our good intentions and to forgive our many mistakes. To have known you as the fine adults you came to be has been an incomparable satisfaction.

         My bequests to charities are made to complete a promise. You are aware that from the first day of our marriage your father and I pledged to tithe, to give back a portion of what we received to the poorest of the poor, to the homeless and hopeless, to the efforts of our church and charitable organizations to help people throughout the world to help themselves, to find hope and a better life. Everything we gave away and much more came back to us, sometimes the next day.

         Sometimes I act better than I am. Here’s an example: Late in my life, it became apparent to me that my children were well established, and that I had more money than I needed. Since it is my desire to live simply so that others may simply live, I responded to the suggestion of my friend Charlie Garrido, and established the ARVD Foundation. I wanted to continue and expand our family tradition of generosity and service and to invite those who, like me, have more than enough to reach out to those who have nothing.

         To my grandchildren: I love you and feel in awe of the great promise each of you brings to a world so sorely in need of kindness, integrity and service. I understand that to reach true happiness each of you must discover my truths anew and your own as well. I hope that you find a pursuit that gives meaning and purpose to your existence and reaches beyond material satisfactions. Even if you do not believe that such efforts will bring you joy, I urge you to try them anyway. As for service, notice the suffering around you; it will always be there, as will opportunities to give generously of your compassion and resources. Life is about giving back and from generosity and gratitude springs joy. Make the world a better place because you lived in it. Even if you do not believe that such efforts will bring you incomparable satisfactions, try them anyway. If you need a direction finder, read the Beatitudes in the New Testament.

         I know only a few things with certainty: life is overflowing with opportunities to rejoice and be grateful, stop and enjoy the moment; it is all you have. Inhale the fragrance of the earth renewing itself after a spring shower, taste a wild strawberry, study the beauty and the promise in every child’s face.

         Lest you think that I am an incurable optimist in a world of insolvable problems, I am well aware that substantial measures of pain and sorrow are part of the abundance of life. Because my strengths spring from faith, I invite you to sink your roots into spiritual bedrock from which to draw inspiration and courage. When you are afraid, pray for help and hope. Seek hope as opposed to cynicism and despair. Be open to the Holy Spirit, which often comes disguised.

         If you do wrong, admit your mistakes. Take responsibility for your actions and make amends. From such practices spring character and integrity. Every day you make choices and every day thereafter you will live with the consequences of your choices. Why not choose to do right? In practicing integrity you will make it your own. Choose to be kind rather than cruel; to forgive rather than get even; to seek understanding rather than judgment. Share your resources. Walk lightly upon the planet.

         For a while, I hope that you will remember me not so much as the person I was but the one I strived to become.

8-4-2006